1. Ronnie – Ron Ron really came into his own this week. He declared everybody in the house a family, stood up to THE SITUATION at the dinner table, had Sammi (his main smush, if you’ve forgotten) meet his mom, and just acted in a way that was all around non-troglodytic. When he was introduced, we all thought Ronnie, with his faux-hawk, clearly steroid-enhanced muscles and seeming aversion to sleeves, was going to be a complete and total trashbag. However, Ronnie then fell in love with Sammi and through his love, worked his way up from the bottom to the top of the guido heap, just like Spartacus except with hair gel. Look for him to fall from grace next week, though, since the previews show him punching somebody, which will make it the third episode in a row that somebody has gotten punched in front of a Jersey Shore cameraman.
(Guidos do not have armpit hair.)
(JWoWW with Michael Cera, because that makes sense)3. Pauly D – By now, it should have already been established that Pauly D is the ultimate guido on this show, which makes him harder to rate due to the fact that he clearly exists at a higher plane of Guido-ness than the other Jersey Shore housemates. So instead of rating him according to whether he did better or worse things than everybody else, let’s look at his journey on his quest to become self-actualized. Even though he was technically “employed” at the Shore Shop, was Pauly D doing what he REALLY wanted to do? No. He was not DJing, which was detrimental to his self-esteem. So he called up some club and booked a spot spinning the wheels of steel from 9 p.m. to 10 p.m., which seems awfully early to be working the ones and twos at a nightclub. I guess they party harder on the Jersey Shore than everywhere else in the world, or that was the only time slot the producers of the show could get him on such short notice. Also, if you peruse the little snippet about him on Wikipeia, Pauly D is 28 and “owns a tanning bed in his house and spends around 25 minutes daily on his hair. As a DJ, he is very confident around women.” He’s 28? Holy fuck. That tanning bed must keep him looking perpetually 23. Furthermore, I was not aware that being a DJ was a personality trait that imbued oneself with confidence. At least he claimed that his hair was soccer-proof.
(HE HAS A CADILLAC TATTOO HOW CAN ANYBODY COMPETE WITH THAT?)4. Snooki/ Vinnie – Let’s talk about how nobody knows Snooki’s real name. She might as well just legally change her name to Snooki, since everybody calls her that when they’re not calling her “Snickers” or “Snookers.” Homegirl’s nicknames have nicknames. She seems to be recovering nicely from getting socked by that guy, and the house has definitely rallied around her recovery.
(Snooki, wearing the wallpaper)This was a big episode for Vinnie. In fact, this so far has been the only big episode for Vinnie, who after showing off his shaved eyebrows and getting pinkeye in the first episode, has quietly been acting like a normal human being. But on Thursday he committed improprieties up and down that boardwalk. On one hand, he was leading the charge to fight that guy who punched Snooki and had to be held back by the police, PLUS he made the utterly progressive (if only in terms of the way that The Situation and Pauly D see things) observation that, “Some girls you have to treat like human beings.” On the other hand, he hooked up with his boss’s wife in front of said boss, so he may not be long for the Shore.
(Vinnie is the opposite of a "ballin'" dude)5. Sammi – The main problem with Sammi is that the show depicts her as kind of a wet blanket to Ronnie’s awesomeness, which probably isn’t true in real life. However, she didn’t really do anything of note this episode other than take like two hours to get ready, which pissed Ron Ron’s mom off. And if there’s one thing this show has taught us, if Ron Ron’s mom ain’t happy, nobody happy.
(Sammi, probably telling Mike to go away)6. THE SITUATION – When the show began, I was perversely interested in Mike because he was so ridiculous and acted in a manner that wasn’t at all consistent with the rest of humanity. Simply put, I loved THE SITUATION because he couldn’t possibly be real. As time has worn on, it turns out that he is real – a real trashbag, that is! Ba-zing! First, he hits on some random chick while everybody else is tending to a recently downed Snickerdoodles, and then he has the audacity to not clean his plate up after dinner? Dude is quickly turning into the heel of the Jersey Shore. Damn it, THE SITUATION, stop making me hate you.
Snooki=Nicole
ReplyDelete