Woo-Ha, my fellow juiceheads! This week’s ep of JERSEY SHORE was a doozey if I’ve ever seen one. A double episode?!?! Is MTV trying to give an entire generation alcohol poisoning? For those of you who don’t know, there is a JERSEY SHORE DRINKING GAME. Here’s how you (not me, drinking’s bad) play:
• Every time someone says the word “Situation,” take a drink.
• Every time you see a bare abdominal muscle, take a drink.
• Every time there is a physical altercation, chug a beer.
• Drink heavily throughout the rest of the episode.
It’s clear that you the reader actually didn't play this game, because if you had you would have woken up dead on Friday morning. That is all. Let’s rank some narcissists.
7. THE SITUATION: Young Michael Sorrentino was about one excessively-gelled hair away from having a complete fucking nervous breakdown this week. Rather than come to terms with the fact nobody in the house liked him, he became a raging asshole and did something to piss off every member of the household except for Pauly, who was probably too busy spinning the wheelz of steel to get angry.
6. Sammi: For the second week in a row, she made Ron Ron get in a fight in order to defend her honor. Stop making Ron Ron do bad things, Sammi. Go flirt with The Situation.
5. Ronnie: Ron Ron should really consider a boxing career after the show ends, because homeboy knocked a motherfucker out cold in one punch. It would be perfect! Sammi could be his trainer, and as long as somebody talked shit about her before the match, Ronnie wins every time. But seriously, how funny was it to see Ron Bon Jovi went from being all, “One shot, baby! One shot!” to “Why no officer, I did not assault that gentleman” in like 0.7 seconds?
4. Snooki: Schnooks has given up on doing anything but trying to get some and having her feelings hurt by The Situation. Homegirl will be getting her own dating show, and it will definitely be called SNOOKING FOR LOVE. I am not the first to propose this hypothesis. Also, wouldn’t it be great if she and The Situation hooked up during the finale? I’m pretty sure the preview for next week implied that this was going to happen.
3. JwOwW: I’m glad somebody finally punched The Situation. On another note, I can only imagine what’s going to happen when JWoWW gets older. Will she have jwowwls? Which is the JWoWW equivalent of jowls for those of you taking notes at home.
2. Vinny: HE HAD SEX WITH THE SITUATION’S SISTER! HE HAD SEX WITH THE SITUATION’S SISTER! HE HAD SEX WITH THE SITUATION’S SISTER! HE HAD SEX WITH THE SITUATION’S SISTER! That is all.
1. Pauly D: Pauly D learned so much about Jewish culture this week it ain’t even funny. Like, did you know that if you’re a Jewish, you can’t have sex until marriage? In completely unrelated news, Pauly D is now an antisemite.
Okay, that wraps it up for this week since I’ve got hellof homework to do. Check back soon for a post that’s not about JERSEY SHORE for once.
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