JERSEY SHORE POWER RANKINGS, ROUND TWO

There were a few questions regarding my criteria for ranking America’s favorite functioning alcoholics, so before I get into the power rankings I’m going to clear some stuff up.

• Everyone gets ranked from best to worst, one being the best and seven being the worst. I think this week I’m going to go in descending order to make things more dramatic.

• Pauly D is the best person on the show. He always will be. It would be boring to rank him at number one every week, so he gets graded on a cruve.

• Everyone else is ranked as to how interesting they were that particular week, as well as how much I hated them.

• I tweeted sixteen times about Jersey Shore last night. Sorry, everybody.

• Werewolves can smell vampires.

So without further adieu, here are this week’s JERSEY SHORE POWER RANKINGS:

7. Sammi – At some point, we’re just all going to have to admit it: Sammi is incredibly self-absorbed. She got in a fight with Ron because he made fun of her toes? What? Sammi, you lose.

(SAMMI ONLY CARES ABOUT SHORTS WHAT ABOUT RON RON)

6. JWoWW – Was the Shore’s favorite chronically unfaithful girlfriend even in this episode? I don’t remember her doing a single thing. But it’s okay, at least she wasn’t a grenade like Sammi.

(JWOWW FACT: On her website, under the section labeled "My Beauty," there is a link to her plastic surgeon. This explains everything.)

5. Ron Ron – After Ronski’s stellar showing last week, he turns around and pulls some shit like this. I’m deeply, deeply disappointed in you, Ron Ron. On the other hand, his nickname is the most evocative of simian imagery, which is good because in his heart, Ron Ron is a lovesick gorilla. Homie got into a fight pretty hard this week, but to be fair he was baited into this one. I also read on the internet that he got arrested for fighting that guy, but the charges were dismissed so it's whatever.

(While Ronnie may not have clearly defined abs, he does have a clearly defined nipple piercing.)

4. Pauly D – the only thing that saves him from a really low Power Ranking is that when he was consoling Snooki about having been left by her “friend” who was more interested in finding a non-midget to get his mouth-slobber all over, he accidentally made a Flannery O’Connor reference when he said, “A good man is hard to find, Snooks.” Also I think he’s the one who said they had been “Italianizing” Michael Cera, but I can’t remember because the episode was like two days ago and I’m too lazy to re-watch it.

(Michael Cera: "I've made a huge mistake.")

3. THE SITUATION – I am supremely conflicted about THE SITUATION. On one hand, he is clearly a lecherous asshole. And for the second week in a row, he caused Snooki to get punched in the face. On the other, he is the catalyst for most of the mayhem that occurs on the show. Much like Angelina the bartender, he does great things. Things like calling one hundred girls in a night, only expecting to talk to like ten of them and get maybe three of them to hang out with him, and once he does manage to trick a female into getting within a hundred mile radius of him, he then refers to them as “zoo creatures” and “grenade launchers.” He would have gotten ranked higher, but he was mean to Vinny. Don’t be mean to Vinny.

(TANGENT: If we could, for a moment, visit the academic tomes of Jersey Grenade Theory: A girl who’s a buzzkill is a grenade. Should the “Grenade Launcher” be that which spawned said grenade? No. Stop using logic. A Grenade Launcher is just a really, really big grenade. Duh.).

(THE SITUATION in simpler times, when he was merely a male stripper with a heart of gold.)

2. Snooki – SNOOKI GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE AGAIN. And then she gets left by some dude so he can go “creep” on chicks with the rest of the fine, upstanding male members of the JS house. I feel so bad for her. If I could marry Snooki, I would. Well, I wouldn’t actually marry her, but you get the point.

(Snooks is only four-feet nine, but she's fifteen feet tall if you add the spunkiness and hair together.)

1. Vinny – I think every episode, one Guido gets their shot at a humanizing themselves. Except with Vinny, that episode is most episodes. Dude is a walking, talking ball of normal. Living in that house must be like his personal One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. Usually his normalcy (word to Warren G. Harding) manifests itself in Vin Vin getting approximately zero screen time, but this week he had so much to do. He got not-fired for hooking up with his boss’s special lady-friend, he introduced his mom to the world, and he called out the rest of the dudes for their suspiciously vain “GTL” habits. For those of you who ain’t already know, “GTL” is an acronym that stands for “Gym, Tanning, Laundry.” Which is exactly what Pauly D, Ron Ron and the Situation do every single morning. Anyhoo, Vinny also took the Sitch’s sister out on a kind-of date, but he was afraid of her because he didn’t want the Situation to beat him up.

(This picture makes me wonder if Vinny is an amputee. Look at his left leg. WHERE IS THE REST OF IT???)

Here’s to hoping that next week, when the gang takes the sparkly, gelled show on the road to Atlantic City, that Ronnie and Sammi get in a fight, the Situation is creepy and awesome, Pauly D says something deeply profound on accident, and Snooki finally hooks up with somebody. Woo-ha.