MY PARENTS WENT TO VEGAS AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID CAR CRASH

In the history of all of the really terrible drivers who have terrorized America with their inability not to cause damage with their vehicle, I am perhaps the worst driver of them all. On Friday, I (probably) totaled the second car of my career, which is a shame not only because the ‘buru/Millenium Forrester/Forrester Whitaker was a most noble steed, but also because my insurance is going to go up approximately one million points.

BUT SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS, this one wasn’t my fault. Here’s the sad, sad saga:

It was rainy outside. Shit was straight torrential, son. I was in Raleigh, where I didn’t know my way around so I felt significantly more trepidatious behind the wheel than usual, and let me tell you I’m not the Paul Walker of driving even on a good day. But THE SITUATION was this: it was rainy, I couldn’t see well, and I wasn’t sure where I was.

I was trying to turn left on a four-lane highway, which meant that I would have to cross two lanes of potential traffic. I had waited for everthing to clear up and it was looking pretty gravy, so I decided to creep out into the road.

I get through one lane safely. Lane two, not so much. Hurtling towards my driver’s side door at the speed of a meteor was a Saturn (pun!). I cannot stress enough that THIS CAR WAS ABOUT TO HIT ME IN THE FACE. I did not wish to see this happen, so I gunned the ‘buru to 88 miles per hour, but instead of sending me back to 1955 to take my own mother on a date, I managed to make it about five feet ahead of where I had previously been. I was fairly certain I was in the clear.

Then I looked left again, and I was all like, “Oh, shit.” And then the car hit me. I did not enjoy it.

Here is an exact transcription of all of the thoughts that went through my head directly after my vehicle had been struck.

1. This is not happening. I have been in a wreck before and it’s way worse than this.
2. If this isn’t happening, THEN WHY THE FUCK IS MY CAR SPINNING???
3. HOLY SHIT I AM GETTING IN ANOTHER WRECK AHHHHH!
4. Damnit.

Turns out what happened was that the Saturn ended up hitting my rear wheel and sent my car spinning like a top, which is generally not a thing cars are designed to do. Thankfully, there wasn’t any traffic coming in the other direction so I could limp the ‘buru onto the side of the road, where the real fun began.

The girl who hit me was, on a scale from one to ten, one being completely normal and ten being just completely batshit hysterical, about a seven. So I decided to make some moves and call the police, because you have to do that when a car crash happens. Soon enough, Raleigh’s finest showed up to assess the situation. They look at her car, look at mine, and decide that the wreck was my fault and give me a ticket.

I disagree with this, and here’s why. When the girl got out of her car, the first thing she said to me was this: “I was looking down, then I looked up, and then all of a sudden I hit you.” You know why people look down when they’re driving? BECAUSE THEY’RE MOTHERFUCKING TEXTING, THAT’S WHY.

Anyway, I ain’t no snitch so I didn’t relay to the police what my new friend told me. I called a towtruck, and then the cavalry came in the form of Ross/Nolan/Justin, who brought lots of candy, plus a car that worked.

However, the most hilarious moment of the incident occurred thusly: The police car was about twenty or so feet away from where my car was, when the girl who hit me came up to me and said in a conspiratory tone, “You don’t have anything ON you, do you?”

I had no idea how to answer this question. Evidently, I go out of my house every day looking like a drug dealer. So instead of actually bothering to engage this question, I decided to act like an idiot.

“Wait,” I said, “What do you mean?”

Her eyes darted towards the cop car. “Y’know, like, drugs.”

I replied, “NO. . . You don’t have anything on YOU, do you?”

She got annoyed and walked away. I probably need a new car. The end.

Anyway, here’s a picture of what happened to my car. My wheel is rocked pretty hard, and in all likelihood my back axle is bent. Note the jaunty angle at which my wheel is perched. I am beyond excited.